What if my parents are fighting

If you can, go to another room or somewhere you feel safe and secure. Have a plan to do things you enjoy every day. Think about which ones you can do easily to distract yourself when your parents are fighting. For example, you could put on your headphones and listen to music or play a game, read a book, message a friend or do some drawing. If you have a trusted neighbour, friend or relative close by, you could ask if you can drop by. Even the time you spend getting there can help to clear your head.

Your local community might have a public library, park or basketball courts that you could also go to. They will resolve their disagreement in their own way.

You are probably feeling a ton of emotions angry, sad, confused, scared, hopeless, pissed and that is okay. Many parents are shocked to learn that their kids hear their fights. I cannot safely recommend that all teens talk with their parents about the fighting. Please talk with a trusted adult if you are thinking of talking with your parents and it feels scary.

I do not know what your parents fights mean. And pretending is actually worse in some ways. When parents have mild to moderate conflict that involves support and compromise and positive emotions, children develop better social skills and self-esteem, enjoy increased emotional security, develop better relationships with parents, do better in school and have fewer psychological problems. We know this by the feelings they show, what they say, and their behavior—they run off and play.

Constructive conflict is associated with better outcomes over time. Both Cummings and Glucoft Wong agree that children can actually benefit from conflict—if parents manage it well.

However, both also agree that some content is best kept private. Discussions about sex or other tender issues are more respectfully conducted without an audience. Glucoft Wong encourages parents to get the help they need to learn to communicate better—from parenting programs, from books, or from a therapist.

Our two daughters are now in their twenties and secure in their own loving partnerships, and I hope that the lessons of their childhood hold.

When they were preschoolers and interrupted our disagreements with concern, my husband and I would smile and reassure them with our special code: I held my fingers an inch apart and reminded them that the fight was this big, but that the love was this big—and I held my arms wide open. Diana Divecha, Ph. Her blog is developmentalscience. Become a subscribing member today. Get the science of a meaningful parenting delivered to your inbox. About the Author.

Diana Divecha Diana Divecha, Ph. This article — and everything on this site — is funded by readers like you. Give Now.